I’m sitting here in my living room surrounded, as usual, by a crap ton of sleeping dogs. I’ve got the day off, which is exactly what I need right now. Time to myself, my thoughts, and some bracing up of myself for the new year ahead.
This past year has been…. tough. Not bad necessarily, but there have been so many new experiences and new demands on my time and resources, that I have felt overwhelmed often enough for it to seem almost constant.
My grandfather, my last biological grandparent, died. My brother in law graduated from PA school in New Mexico and moved to Houston with my sister. I met an amazing man who treated me like a queen, took a chance and trusted him with my heart, and ended up rejected. I started seeing a therapist because I was starting to lose focus at work, and was worried about becoming depressed. I have spent the summer working on becoming a more emotionally available person, resolving a major trauma from college, and learning how to enforce better interpersonal boundaries. I was asked by a good friend to be her daughter’s godmother. While at the same time being in the middle of a total re-evaluation of what faith means to me, and not being totally sure of what Christ-in-me is supposed to look like other than the opposite of what it’s always been. And in the midst of all that, I’ve grown to dislike my job even more, even knowing that I cannot afford to leave a job that I almost hate because I now have a mortgage, and bills to pay, and debt to get rid of.
There are good pieces, for sure. I’m not trying to say that it was a perfectly awful year. But so much of it has felt like one knockout punch after another, and I just have no choice but to keep going. I keep thinking…. there has to be more to it than this, doesn’t there? I’m supposed to be happy, aren’t I? I’m not supposed to be anxious all the time. I’m not supposed to worry, almost every waking moment, when the next big thing is going to hit. Will my car break down? Will I get laid off from my job (which I need, even though I hate it)? Will I lose faith in God entirely? Will people see through the facade and find out that I am really just a terrified, discontent, complaining little child in a woman’s body?
There is something about today, though. There always has been for me, on New Years Eve. It’s sort of an artificial boundary – the end of one year and the start of another. And it’s been a long time since I’ve made a new years resolution because I know myself well enough by now to realize that those are worth about as much as monopoly dollars. But still. But still. I am hopeful, just a tiny little spark of hope, that maybe this year I can find joy again. Not a facade of joy (which is so often the case now), but the real kind. Maybe the kind I’ve never really had. The kind that is content with where life is at now, doesn’t need to compensate with anything, trusts God with whatever crap might hit the fan tomorrow, and is not afraid. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. I am ready for joy, and peace, and to start walking through life feeling ready for what is ahead, rather than feeling emotionally, spiritually, physically drained.
I am tired, 2012. It’s time for joy. Let’s do this.
